When you don’t feel like it…

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Well not one, but two gut punches today. Or at least that how it feels to me physically.  And the old habits, still very strong, are to curl up and feel very sorry for me. Reject the message the universe is sending me and try to ignore it. At least until I feel better and feel like doing something about it.

However, I did something against that flow today. First I didn’t respond in kind to an inflammatory email even though I was sorely tempted. I simply dealt with the issue and though it pains me to say it cost me, or rather my company a 4-figure sum. That was step one. Ignore the smoke and fumes and put the damn fire out. Then worry about cleaning up the mess, metaphorically speaking.

Finally gave up on waiting for the guy who lit the fire to do anything about it. I’m not a manager, I’ve never been interested in cajoling, nursing or haranguing anyone to do their damned job. The funny part is I’m now seeing that even by ignoring the parasitic nature of the relationship it has infected my own efforts.

It’s kinda like that lump or blemish that seems to have been there forever and you secretly keep hoping it’ll clear itself up. Finally, you admit it’s getting worse or rather than worry and fret about it go and seek some advice. Ignoring it won’t make it go away.

In this case, I’m just having to face up to facts that after two years the relationship is getting worse and it’s dragging me down.

The second kick is sort of related and was conveyed to me by the same person. A client has appraently been trying to coantct me. Not via phone or email as far as I can see. And my intuition obviously failed. My suspicion is that root casue is the same. Lack of communication by the fire starter.

Again, my own fault. My drive has been low and I’ve been way less proactive than usual lately. So now I am told that a rival has now been given a project that I had been lead to believe was lined up for me. And I’m sure they’ll do a sterling job because they’ll have an opportunity to prove themselves and get more work from it. Or not.

So it feels like a bad day so far. Yet, who knows. On the one level, my body has reacted and some old habits have leapt out at me and on the other hand, I know what I need to do and will do it. Have the conversation and do the damned work even if I don’t feel like it.

The weird part is I definitely don’t feel like writing at the moment. And guess what. I did it anyway. Sometimes I think that the biggest pitfall or danger in being self-employed is that you are both boss and worker and if neither of you feels like doing anything then nothing happens.  Kind of like arguing with your reflection in a mirror.

As they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Hopefully, I learn this lesson and move onwards and upwards. Now I have to decide if I can afford both the time and the money for a trip or not.